NEWSFLASH: imminent death of all Philosophy

Yesterday the Times' science section reported on a startling new development, or rather, discovery: Birds can think. AND they can teach advanced concepts! Nothing less than the future of all human educational institutions is at stake. It appears, for instance, that Clark nutcrackers are good Hobbesians who can hide and steal: "If they see another bird watching them as they cache food, they return later, alone, to hide the food again. Some scientists believe this shows a rudimentary theory of mind - understanding that another bird has intentions and beliefs."

But the real problem is that professional thinkers --academics --will have to compete on the job market with parrots:

Parrots, some researchers report, can converse with humans, invent syntax and teach other parrots what they know. Researchers have claimed that Alex, an African gray, can grasp important aspects of number, color concepts, the difference between presence and absence, and physical properties of objects like their shapes and materials. He can sound out letters the same way a child does.

So 2,800 years of western philosophy have come to this. The only thing standing between a bird and every fourth job in Boston is a typewriter.